A few days ago I alluded to the zombie apocalypse in a post, and it generated a lot of comments. Not comments on my actual blog mind you, but on my Facebook, and in email and in person. I think that my friends are confused as to how a blog is supposed to work as they commented everywhere but on the actual blog… But, as it is also proof that this little blog of mine is actually being read, I’ll let it go for now.
Those that know me well, know that I have an irrational fear of gremlins, unsexy vampires* and other things that go bump in the night. Now, the rational part of me knows that these things do not exist. But even at the age of 34 I will still run down the hall at night after all the lights are turned off just so that something cannot come up behind me and grab me.
But nothing terrifies me more than zombies. “Why zombies?”, you ask. Because, that. shit. is. real.
Maybe not real yet, and maybe not real in the sense that it’ll be like movie zombies when the zombie apocalypse does happen, but let’s look at the science and realm of possibility behind it. Take modern chemical warfare for example – there are more types of chemicals and gasses used now that we don’t even know about. In top-secret labs and bunkers chemicals are being developed that are made to attack the brain. You think that stuff can’t turn someone into a mindless zombie? Think again.
The pharmaceutical industry is another one to be wary of. With our growing dependence on drugs to keep us balanced and happy, who’s to say that something can’t go terribly wrong there? Or some crazy outbreak of a strain of a disease that makes people go crazy and eat each other. It could happen.
And what about the fact that there have been two cases of druggies crazed out of their minds, who attacked people and ate their faces? That’s zombie behavior if I ever heard it… It also happened in Miami, which really didn’t surprise me. Those real housewives had better watch out.
The CDC website has an entire section dedicated to zombie outbreaks. http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm Which people tell me is a joke. Um, I’m sorry, but when have you ever known the CDC to joke? It’s not like last week they were all “Hey everyone, there’s been an outbreak of Ebola! Just kidding!!” Yeah, they are real riots over there at the CDC… So in my mind, if they actually dedicated an entire section of their website to it – they must know something we don’t know.
So – given that, I do have a plan for when the zombie apocalypse strikes. If you want to live, look me up. I’ll be the one with the full on arsenal of weapons and Dr. Pepper, stylishly killing those zombie mo-fo’s and protecting my family and loved ones.
*The term “unsexy vampires” applies to the freaky vampire things featured in movies like I am Legend, Daybreakers (the ones who didn’t have enough to eat), and in From Dusk Till Dawn when they get all ugly. Sexy vampires, like the ones in Twilight and True Blood, on the other hand, do not scare me at all. In fact, I’m Team Edward all the way.