In an earlier post I mentioned it has been a very up & down week. I wrote this in response to my week, decided not to post it, and then changed my mind. I figure it’s me being honest about my feelings, so if you don’t like those “feelings-y” type of posts, then you might want to skip this one. The rest of you, feel free to read on, I hope you like it.
I often find myself wishing that it was socially acceptable to just start screaming. Well, perhaps the term “often” is too much. But I have found myself thinking about it more than once.
There’s a scene in a movie I love, 500 Days of Summer, in which Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel (who I have a major girl crush on, btw – well, it’s not so much that I have a crush on her as want to be her. Her hair, her voice, her clothes… anyway, bunny trail) are in a public park and they play a game. One of them says the word “penis” in a whisper. Then the next one says it a little louder. They take turns saying it louder and louder until Zooey’s character shouts “PENIS!!!” It’s kind of like that. Except I don’t want to shout “penis”… “fuck”, maybe.
Sometimes I just want to throw something. Kick a hole in the wall. Punch something. But I’m afraid people would think I was loco if, say, I just walked into my office, and started throwing shit.
Right now you’re probably thinking, “This girl has some anger issues.” And perhaps I do, in the sense that I have pent-up anger that I suppress because I feel that it’s not socially acceptable to just start throwing a tantrum.
All of us have experienced being in a store, and there is a little kid throwing an all out tantrum. Crying, screaming, and throwing themselves on the floor. And what do you do? If you’re a parent usually your first thought is, “Thank God that’s not my child,” and then you judge the poor parents. Even if it’s just a little. You judge them. You start critiquing their parenting, and also think “they need to shut that kid up”.
From a very early age we are taught to suppress our emotions. Taught to suppress our anger. Taught to suppress our sadness. Taught even to suppress our happiness in some cases. How stupid is that? I’m completely guilty of teaching my children the same thing. And, late the other night as I was driving way too fast and listening to music way too loud in order to deal with my own anger and frustration I just started wondering… Why was I suppressing it?
So I did it. I pulled over to the side of the road, got out of my truck, and just screamed. I felt incredibly stupid and self-conscious at first, but before I knew it I was screaming as loud as I could. Call it my Garden State moment, I guess. Luckily it was after midnight, the highway was mostly deserted and I was in the middle of nowhere, so no one reported the crazy lady screaming on the side of the road. It’s probably not the safest, nor smartest thing I’ve ever done. But it helped. After that I realized that my “anger plan” to drive 2 1/2 hours to the closest beach probably wasn’t the best laid plan, so I turned back around and headed home. (Although I do still want to go to the beach. I probably should have, hell, I was already a little over half way there.)
Now, I’m not proposing that we all get Tourette’s and just start randomly screaming and shouting obscenities. Hell, I’m not really sure what I’m proposing to be honest. Truth be told I just felt inspired to write about it, because in writing about it I’m admitting that I’m angry. I’m admitting that I’m sad. I’m admitting even, that I am happy, too. I’m admitting that I have feelings, and I’m tired of suppressing them.
I have no idea how to end this but… scream if you have to.