The grass isn’t always greener… But sometimes it is.

Life is funny sometimes… I’m back at work (with my former employer) for one week.  I know, it sounds weird, but when I left my coming back for this week was a part of the agreement.  It’s a very busy week (culmination of a bunch of stuff) and my boss thought it would be good to have me back for it.  Perhaps work with my replacement… But, they have not found a replacement for me yet, so here I am… At my old desk, in my empty office.  With my old computer. With my old coworkers. It feels quite surreal…

I used to be so consumed with work.  Stressed to the max about work things.  I put off family and friends for the sake of work because I felt this crazy sense of duty, and in my head justified all of it as doing what I needed to do for my family.  I’ll be honest – I was looking forward to coming back.  I have loved spending time with my girlies, and having more time to spend as a family, but I have learned that I am a person who needs to be busy.  Not the crazy, extreme kind of busy that I was before, but comfortably busy.  So, it’s been good to come back and be able to help out… Not to mention I have missed this place.  But the “gift” in all of this, aside from having the opportunity to close out a huge project that I did put my heart and soul into and getting to interact once again with coworkers that I consider family, is that it has 100% justified to me that I did the right thing by leaving.

Does anyone remember that Nicolas Cage movie where he was given a glimpse into what his life would be like if he had made different choices?  I forget what it’s called but it’s a good movie.  It also has Tea Leoni and a pre-Ari Gold Jeremy Piven…  Anyway, I kind of feel like that’s what I’ve been given.  A look at what my life would be like right now if I hadn’t have left.  

Being away from work for this past month has been really hard for me. I was addicted to my phone. Addicted to email.  Addicted to seeing the same people every day.  Addicted to the craziness – even though some of it was bad for me.  It’s been hard weaning myself off of those addictions. But, in that month away I have also begun to see the old “me” return.

I’ve been more present in conversations with friends and family. I’m not just half listening or half paying attention while the other half of me scans my phone for emails or texts. Or wonders what I’m missing by not scanning the phone.

I smile more.  Make that, my smile is more genuine.  I smile out of happiness rather than the “political PR smile” I had been smiling for so long. (Makes me think of Bernard in Old School – “Smile, look at the baby, wave to the baby…”)

I sing and dance more (not well, mind you, but my kiddos seem to enjoy it).

I have more energy… That my kids very quickly drain.  But it’s a good drained, not the mental drain I had before.

I appreciate what I have.  I was taking a lot for granted…

So… Had I not been given this opportunity to return, I might have second-guessed and questioned myself.  I may have wondered if I had made the wrong choice.  There will always be people, and things about this place, that I will miss.  But now that I’ve truly seen what I was really missing out on by being here and seeing with new eyes what I left behind… I know I made the right choice.  I’m ready to go home.

-Shan

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3 thoughts on “The grass isn’t always greener… But sometimes it is.

  1. I’m sure your friends are glad to have you back. Now hurry up and leave. Oh and I don’t think your on again off again employer will ever be able to find a replacement for you.

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