Please don’t take a crap in my bathroom…

Most people’s homes are not clean enough for me.

I realize that statement is an incredibly bitchy statement to make.  But, I say that while also acknowledging that my own home is not clean enough for me. I mean our house is pretty damn clean, like most homes, but… Clean enough for me is like Elle Decor clean. Like, “i’m afraid to touch anything it’s so clean” clean.  Like, “this bathroom is too clean to take a crap in” clean. The kind of clean that only the homes that nobody actually lives in, yet has a staff of at least 10 can attain.

I come from a long line of cleaners.  “Wipers” my grandfather calls us.  We all clean even while in conversation. Think about how you hold yourself, how you sit or stand, what you do with your hands while you’re in comfortable conversation.  My family tends to clean; sort papers, wipe tabletops or countertops, if there’s something to be picked up we’ll do so, all while in conversation with each other. We do it subconsciously… I’ve noticed this in both my mother and father’s sides. So it’s in my genes to be a cleaner.

The fact that my own home does not meet my incredibly high standards of cleanliness is slightly shaming to me.  Ok saying “slightly” is an understatement. It drives me crazy and that is why I feel the need to clean all the time. This is probably some form of OCD. (Speaking of OCD – does anyone watch Girls? I love that show.  I used to not love it, but then it grew on me and now I love it.  The season 2 finale was so good. Anything HBO puts on Sunday I pretty much love. It’s not TV, it’s HBO.) Despite my OCDness about my home’s cleanliness and appearance; I also want my home to feel lived in and welcoming.  I want my guests to feel comfortable sitting down and drinking a beer, visiting, eating… And believe it or not I want you to feel comfortable using our bathrooms, too. (Although please do try to save the crap for your own home – as a courtesy to others… If you have to, there’s a candle.  Light it.)

So if you ever do visit my house there are a few things I can promise you. 1) It’ll be pretty clean (especially given notice). 2) You are welcome to sit and chill wherever you like (except our bedroom, that’s just weird). 3) At some point I will probably clean up after you.  This will come in the form of straightening couch cushions, wiping the table or countertop where you were sitting, putting a chair back under a table…  Don’t freak out when it happens. I mean nothing by it…



5 thoughts on “Please don’t take a crap in my bathroom…

  1. Shannon, it is unhealthy to hold in your poop. You should not be encouraging your guests to abstain from the natural (and enjoyable!) act of shedding one’s self of a few pounds. Think of it as an extension of entertaining and making people feel comfortable. Consider it a compliment and a confirmation of your friendship when someone is comfortable enough to take a crap in your bathroom 🙂

    • Seth, I think that this is the greatest comment one could ever make about poop. And, I agree that the act of taking a royal dump is quite rewarding.

      That said… I do feel that it is best enjoyed in one’s own home. Not in someone else’s.

      And that said… Since I love you, you are one of the few people on the very short list of those I feel comfortable taking a crap in my toilet. (Not like you haven’t already…)


  2. Pingback: It’s amazing what a good poo can do… | This is Shan's Blog

  3. Two things:

    First: the caliber of cleanliness you are describing is, in short, our parents’ house. I still take craps there. I lived there, so even though my room and all my stuff is long gone (down to the walls being painted over in my old room, & all the furniture replaced) I can still appreciate that Mom kept a touch of my color scheme with the turquoise pillow and chair (which is in the closet obviously, since our cat destroyed the leather). That tiny shred of my past existence there serves to validate every steaming dump I’ve ever relieved myself of in that old bathroom. However, I do (albeit pathetically, since our mom is disgustingly neat) at least ATTEMPT to leave everything as neat as I found it. When I stay over and take a shower there, I do not use the nice brown and sea foam towels nicely folded and hung in the bathroom… Instead, I go to the hall closet and grab a full-size white towel as well as a hand towel for drying my hands. This is absolutely automatic in my mind. I still am not sure how or why I decided this was best. Mom never asked me to do this. I also never wear shoes on the carpet, to this day.

    Second: and I say this with the utmost in respect and gratitude for our relationship, eldest sister to youngest sister… I have taken innumerable shits in the front bathroom of your house. In fact, I distinctly remember that before you and Mando renovated it, the toilet was sooo tall that my feet dangled about 2 inches above the floor. Rather than begrudge you for this flaw, I secretly actually really liked that “feature,” as I call it. The dead weight of one’s legs dangling uninhibited off the edge of the toilet seat creates a delightful pressure upon the buttocks, allowing for complete evacuation of the bowels. I still miss that toilet.

    P.S. I hope that I, like Seth, am included on the short list of people who you are tolerant of shitting in your home. Be grateful that we are not complete vagrants, because then we might prefer to relieve ourselves on the lawn… I’m not so sure that human feces really serve as the best fertilizer.

    • I often wonder if other families are as poop-centric as ours…

      Yes, you are allowed to take a crap in my bathroom. In fact, it’s open to family and friends I consider family. But if I don’t know you that well – say, you’re a friend of a friend. Save that shit (literally) for somewhere else.

      I too have discovered aloe.

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