I remember kindergarden as a kind of cast of characters you’d find in a John Hughes movie. We weren’t picked up by a bus so our moms had this intricate car-pool system worked out. There were four kids in our carpool in total, and we were all in the same afternoon kindergarden class.

Adam – the goofy class clown, I adored him

Roy – the Jake Ryan

Princess – I don’t remember her real name but she was always wearing pleated skirts, cardigans, hair in headbands and actually wore pearls (really, fucking pearls) in kindergarden. She had this long, thick brunette hair that I coveted something fierce. It was like Charlotte York hair.

Me – nerdy and slightly socially awkward… I like to think of myself as a less cool Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. Like maybe add in some Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club, but not as weird and way more hygenic. (I’ve always been kind of a clean freak.)

Kindergarden was where I began learning something about myself though… I liked to make people laugh. And, it’s where I began to correlate that if I did x, people laughed.  And today I would say, I’m pretty funny. There are times I think I could be funnier, and times I think “nailed it”, and times I think I wasn’t funny at all… But overall, I think I’m funny. Nowhere close to the pure comic gold of Will Ferrell or shit even Paul Rudd (a Will Ferrell sidekick) – but funny nonetheless.

(Here’s your chance to tell me otherwise if you think I’m not. I once had someone tell me I remind them of “that funny girl. You know, that funny girl, she’s kinda blonde and you know… anyway, she reminds me of you. Except you’re not as funny.” How’s that for feedback?)

By far though, the best thing about kindergarden was that we got to wear our Halloween costumes to school on Halloween.  I’ve had some costumes that in hindsight weren’t the best choice (ahem, bag of jellybeans… don’t ask), but my favorite costume ever was in kinder. I was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Aside from the fact I was blonde, I was a pretty damn authentic Dorothy. I loved that costume.

Adam was a vampire and Roy was a football player. Guess what Princess was? A fucking beauty queen. She walked in in this giant ball gown her mom had had made with a hoop skirt,  hair all done up in a crown and a sash that read “Miss Bear Creek” (the name of our elementary school) and I was like, “what the fuck?” (or the five year old equivalent of “what the fuck?”) – don’t get me wrong, I thought she looked beautiful, I mean she looked like a real princess.  My incredibly girly little girls would flip their shit over that costume. But come on, she could have easily been on Toddlers in Tiaras with that getup. (We moved to another city after kindergarden, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Princess and Roy went on to date in high school, became Prom King & Queen, got married and had cute little prom king and queen beauty pageant babies. I’ll have to look them up on Facebook. You can find out anything about anyone on Facebook.)

Dorothy, Vampire, Football Player, Beauty Queen – it’s kind of refreshing to know that some things will never change – I suspect I’ll see all four at my door this Halloween… This year I’m going to try to change it up and go as Scarlett from GI Joe (the 80s version, not the crappy live-action version). Although after a quick google search of available Scarlett costumes I’m thinking I may have to change gears… Why is it costume manufacturers assume that only stick-thin, size two bitches want to dress up?  And that they will want to wear head to toe spandex and parade around like sluts?

Hmmm… perhaps it’s indirect feedback – maybe they are telling us that slutty, stick-thin size two bitches are the only “adults” who should dress up… Man, feedback sucks sometimes.  Good thing I rarely listen to it.  😉

Happy Halloween!



Side note: Upon reading this to the hubs his feedback was, “Good. (Dramatic pause) You sure like to use the f-word.” Ummm….. I think he must have forgotten who he was fuckin’ married to for a second.



And Again with the Zombies…

OK – that’s what you’re probably going to think when you read this post.  But I’m sorry.  Zombies are really hot right now.  They are everywhere.  Video games, movies, TV shows, CDC websites, books, everywhere. So I can’t avoid writing about my not-so-secret obsession about them and thinking about how I could perhaps make some major money off this thing.

I consider myself to be a fairly fashionable person.  True, like everyone else I have some fashion skeletons in my closet (don’t act like you weren’t totally into those MC Hammer pants, too), but overall I feel that I dress pretty well.  Which got me to thinking when the zombie apocalypse happens, women are totally going to need the right clothing!  You can’t run from zombies in 5 inch heels.  But I’m sure women such as myself would still like to wear fashionable shoes – so a line of comfortable, yet fashionable, zombie-ass-kicking boots is a necessity.  And you’re going to need a cool vest or jacket to sheathe your machete in, which comes with hidden pockets for grenades and ammo for your sawed-off shotgun…  Just because the world is coming to an end, that’s no reason to not be fashionable, people.

Then we come to vehicles.  The hubs and I were discussing this last night.  We live in Texas, so like every other self-respecting Texan we drive large vehicles – SUV mom-mobile for me (equipped with a grill guard), and truck for him.  In any zombie invasion having the proper escape vehicle is key.  And let’s face it – a Prius isn’t going to cut it. (No offense to anyone who drives a Prius, you’re already doing your part to ensure that the zombie apocalypse doesn’t begin courtesy of environmental disaster.)  In this case, bigger truly is better.  And, what would be better than coming out with an entire line of truck and SUV accessories like a grill guard and windshield cage equipped with spikes, blades, and other accoutrement designed to maim, dismember, and mow down those zombie assholes??

So, those are just a few of my ideas.  Just know I’ve got some patents pending so don’t try to steal ‘em…

Ready to survive the zombie invasion,


Lastly, I did owe a correction to my previous post about fast zombies.  Apparently it is possible to place a sail on a battleship, as I was informed by a friend of my husband, that in the Pyramid of Darkness series on GI Joe they did just that.  I still have my doubts about the ability to quickly manufacture a sail of the magnitude that a battleship would need, but if GI Joe did it, then it can be done.  I stand corrected.  Whatever.