A Tale of Two Shans

There are two Shans.

Shan #1 is the Shan I am out in public, the Shan that tries to be well-dressed, charming and funny. The Shan that always has a clean house and clean kids who are dressed adorably in coordinating outfits. That’s not to say that the public me is any less “me”. Don’t get me wrong, Shan #1 is still quite goofy, thinks the word “balls” is funny and has a potty mouth, but it’s filtered.  Slightly, anyway.

Then there’s Shan #2. Ha – I crack myself up every time I say #2, it’s immature I know, but I just can’t help it… but this is what I am talking about… Shan #2 is the unfiltered Shan, my inner monologue, if you will.  The one that thinks poop humor is the best, is slightly messy, happiest in tshirts and jeans and who’s mouth would offend even the most hardened sailor. The “me” that a very select few have had the opportunity to meet and get to know… Because there are things about myself that I like to keep private. (So I put them in a blog.  Makes perfect sense, right?)

I hate clutter.  Hate it.  It drives me insane.  And I freak out if people ever see my house looking anything but clean and organized.  I have made people wait outside until I have had a chance to quickly clean up before letting them in. I try really hard to keep my house clean – which I know my husband and kids find highly annoying. Just don’t open any closet doors… Or drawers.  Because it’s like Sanford & Son in there.  Every now and then I will clean them out and organize everything, but they’re back to their previous state within days.  If you ever come to my house and feel the need to open a closet door and something falls on you… well, you can’t say you weren’t warned. (There are two exceptions to this – my closet and my underwear/sock drawer.  I keep these extremely organized and I’m quite obsessive about it.)

My two favorite words in the english language: cock sucker & mother fucker. I like to use them together.  Maybe it’s the way they rhyme, I don’t know… Try saying it.  (Brief pause here for you to try it…) Doesn’t it just roll off the tongue? (Writer’s note: I am aware that those words are actually both phrases and therefore I should change the previous wording to read “my two favorite phrases” but I’m too lazy to go back and fix it and would rather expend more energy and time into explaining the fact that I realize my previous header needs correcting instead of just taking the two seconds necessary to fix it.)

As I alluded to in the previous paragraph – I don’t like people to know that I’m inherently lazy, even though my brain never stops – at any given moment I’m thinking of at least 20 different things and often change topics all together for no reason when talking… or writing.  I also feel the need to defend everything.  Or maybe defend is the wrong word…  It’s more like explain everything.  Everything I said, everything I did and why I did it.  I’m sure it drives people crazy…

OK – I’m about to go way TMI on everyone here and talk briefly about my bodily functions.  If you want you can skip this paragraph and go to the next…  I can’t go to Target without having to take a shit.  It’s crazy.  I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I walk into Target, and immediately my body is like, “It’s poop time!”.  I find it quite interesting.  What is it about Target of all places that causes my body to have this reaction?  Even weirder… I know for a fact I am not the only person whom this strange phenomena effects.  Others have told me that they are affected in the same manner.  Is it something in the air in Target? A chemical that Target puts in their extremely delicious, cost-efficient popcorn?  What is it?

I like to eat raw ramen noodles over the kitchen sink (because they are messy).  I will only do this in complete privacy because I think it’s gross (but it’s sooooo good).

I’m a big Star Wars nerd. I will watch Star Wars (Episodes IV – VI) whenever I come across them while channel surfing.  A couple Halloween’s ago I dressed as Leia for work (the costume was chosen for me) and I pretended like it wasn’t fucking awesome.  But it was. I even got to carry a blaster.  It was an Imperial blaster which a fellow SWN (Star Wars Nerd) pointed out was incorrect. But – I was dressed as New Hope Leia – in the white, with the buns.  The blaster she used in that movie was Luke’s, which was when he was disguised as a Storm Trooper, so therefore the Imperial blaster was the correct one to carry for the costume. I did not tell the fellow SWN this as I usually try to filter some of my nerddom in public. (Shan #2 is waaaay nerdier.) I think I just shrugged my shoulders and in my inner monologue said, “and you call yourself a Star Wars fan…”

-Shan

Bah Humbug and Merry Christmas

How in the heck did December get here so friggin’ fast?  The last thing I remember we were celebrating my 3 year old’s birthday in August, then it’s just one big blur of events until now. I could spend time trying to figure out how it got here so fast, but by the time I did that it would be Easter…

The hubs loves Christmas.  I mean loves Christmas. And, we are totally behind the eight ball this year in putting out the decorations. We’ve just both been so busy lately, that we haven’t taken the time to get it all out and put it all up.  Add in me being completely worthless from being sick, and well, it just hadn’t been done.  Until this weekend.  This weekend I got off my arse and put up the decorations for my Christmas-loving husband and kids.

I’m going to come out and just say it – I hate the actual act of Christmas decorating.  Which many will find shocking since I actually love to decorate (in another life I would have been an interior designer).  But it’s messy, it takes twice as long as you thought it would, and it always involves a few unplanned trips to Target or Home Depot (which usually I don’t mind, but in this case Target and Home Depot are crowded with a bunch of other people who are on their second or third trip, too).  Did I mention it’s messy?  On top of that, I’m usually slow to warm to the most wonderful time of the year.  To me, it usually just comes with more things added to my already full to-do list.  Typically I’m pretty Bah Humbug about it all until the few days before and then my shriveled old heart begins to feel the joy in the season and grows to three times it’s usual size… But, as I write this snuggled on my couch next to our new sweater-inspired pillows and in the warm glow of the Christmas tree lights, I can feel my Grinchyness melt away, and I have to admit… it was worth it.

Something is different this year.  I still have that “Oh holy CRAP, how in the hell am I going to get everything done?” feeling in the pit of my stomach, but something has turned this ‘ol Scrooge a little early this year. Perhaps it was the sheer happiness on my kids faces as they helped me decorate the tree, or the nostalgia brought on by putting out my great-grandmother’s decorations that I remember from childhood, or the sweet text I got from my husband today thanking me for decorating – who knows.  But you know what? I kinda like it.  So Merry Effin’ Christmas*, everyone!

-Shan

I thought I would show you guys some pictures of our decorated house.  Next weekend we’ll tackle the outside, which is completely my husband’s territory.  I’m sure he’s planning something Griswald-esque…

DINING ROOM:

“What’s that in the corner?”, you ask, “Is that a… Star Wars themed Christmas tree?”  Why yes, yes it is. Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” more than light saber and blaster sounds, and a C3PO ornament that says “We’re doomed” every time you turn the lights on.

Watch out Han… Greedo’s got his eye on you.

LIVING ROOM:

  

These guys creep me out a little.  I picture them coming to life at night like in the ballet and battling. Which, I guess so long as they clean up after themselves I don’t mind too much…

And since I neglected to take a picture of the actual tree (hey, don’t judge, I’ve been sick, remember??), here’s pictures of my two cuties helping me decorate it. (Which I had to redo a little after they went to bed because I’m way too A/R to leave all the ornaments clustered in just one section of the tree.)

  

I love them so.  Adorable, aren’t they? 🙂

*Typically I would have just spelled out the F-word, but this is a post about Christmas for Pete’s** sake. And there’s pictures of my kids on here. So I’m putting the earmuffs on a little today.

**Again, typically I would have said “Christ’s sake”.  But it didn’t feel right, given the context.  Hmm, or maybe that makes it more appropriate?  Either way – I’m trying to exercise a little restraint here. Which I’m sure my Dad is appreciating.

Nerds are the New Cool

I’m the first to admit it – I was not the coolest person growing up.  In fact, I was pretty nerdy.  I was in honors classes, got good grades, was the one everyone always wanted to copy off of, and to top it off had quarter-inch thick glasses and braces.  I was like the girl version of Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles. Luckily, my sophmore year the braces came off and I started wearing contacts, and my “social status” so to speak improved some.

My senior year, I was fortunate enough to have my now husband in 4 out of my 6 classes, and we started dating.  My husband was cool.  My husband was popular.  In fact, one might argue that my social status improved by dating him. But, he was harboring a secret that he would never dare speak of in the halls of high school.  Underneath the Tommy Hilfiger and Doc Martins was an inner nerd.  A Star Wars loving, toy collecting, N-E-R-D.  And I gotta tell you, it made me love him even more.

My point to this trip down memory lane is, it’s amazing what can change in a decade.  (Actually, 16 1/2 years, but who’s really counting?)

As I am writing this, my husband and his best friend (who pretty much lives with us, since he lives down the street – but hey, he’s single ladies!) are watching Toy Hunter, a show about a man that makes his living looking up fellow toy collectors and buying their old toys and reselling them. These days guys like Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill are movie stars.  Comic-Con is huge.  I can drop a line from Star Wars in almost any social situation, and everyone laughs, and understands the reference.  Seriously – nerds are the new cool.  Let’s hope the trend is here to stay.

-Shan

PS – If anyone is looking for a long-tray with short saber mint-in-box Luke, look me up, my husband might sell you his.

PPS – Let me also point out that my husband is still cool and still popular.  I’d like to think that after 17 years together some of it has rubbed off on me, but let’s face it, I’m probably still riding his coattails.