My Child Went Potty in Coach OR Why I Don’t Like Stairs

“I have to go potty! I have to go potty!”, shouts my three-year old.  As she’s going potty.  In the middle of the Coach store.  At the height of holiday shopping season. Horrified, I watch the growing puddle under  her feet…

Later, as I’m in the mall restroom washing out my daughter’s clothing and holding it under the hand dryer while she stands there in a diaper I fashioned out of toilet paper so that she wouldn’t be bare-assed in a public restroom I realize that I may just have a new contender for the “Shan’s Most Embarrassing Moments Top 10 List”.  Not that I actually have a Top 10 list – shocking and hard to believe, I know, I make lists out of everything as any regular reader is well aware of  – but if I had one, that moment would be on it.

I have had a bunch of embarrassing moments in my 34 years, just to give you a small sampling:

– the time the skirt of my pep-squad uniform was tucked into the back of my bloomers (which are basically like underwear) so my ass was on display for all to see for at least three class periods before I realized it (thank goodness I have always had a pretty nice ass… or so I’ve been told, I’ve never really checked out my own ass)

– the time I farted in my office and then a coworker walked in literally right after and I had to pretend that I hadn’t farted and didn’t smell anything even though we could both clearly smell my fart lingering in the air

– the time I knocked myself out cold when I collided with the swimming pool wall doing the backstroke at a swim meet

– the countless times I have put my foot in my mouth

– the even more countless times I have fallen. Anyone who has spent oh, an hour or so with me has seen me fall. Half the time my husband doesn’t even think anything of it anymore unless I look truly injured.  But, there is one fall that has topped them all, and to this day no fall has been as embarrassing as “The Greg Martinez Incident”.

In sixth grade, Greg Martinez was the (unrequited) love of my life. Just like any other rational sixth grade girl who wanted to keep her love a secret, I had his name written over everything; “I love Greg”, “Greg+Shan”, “Shan Martinez” – you get the idea.  I may have well just tattooed it onto my forehead.  One day, as my best friend (who just happened to have a thing for Greg’s best friend – Eric something, I can’t remember his last name, clearly he was no Greg Martinez) and I were walking up the stairs to our last period class that we had together, I tripped.  On the last stair.

Note: Stairs and I have never been friends.  I approach stairs with trepidation and caution because stairs have always had it out for me.  I don’t know what I did to them in this life or a past one to make them hate me so, but it’s clear that they do not like me.  Never have, probably never will.

I was almost home free, I had only one more stair to go, but that bastard last stair reached out and grabbed my foot and I fell.  The interesting thing is that I actually somehow managed to fall backwards, crashing into the person behind me who caught me, then kind of shoved both of us forward so that we didn’t fall backwards and careen down the entire flight of stairs. Books and papers went flying as the person behind me landed on top of me, and in the force of the fall my head crashed into the wretched stair that had tripped me in the first place.  What probably took all of 5 seconds to happen felt like an eternity.  In a daze I struggled to get up and apologize to the stranger who I had almost killed.  “Hey, are you OK?”, the stranger asked. “You hit your head pretty hard.”  I knew that voice, and as I looked up I froze.  Because it was Greg Martinez. Greg Fucking Martinez, who had been walking to class with Eric Something when some girl who apparently was lacking in basic motor skills (me) almost took him out. He helped me gather my books that had “I love Greg Martinez” written all over them while I turned bright red with embarrassment and shame, and offered to walk me to the nurse because “It looked like my head was bleeding” which I turned down, swearing that I was “OK” and then limped off to class, bleeding head and all.

Now, if that had been a John Hughes movie, that was when the dorky girl would have gotten the guy.  I would have bitten my bottom lip and then said “Hi” as he sheepishly handed me a book, and he would have said “Hi” and then picked me up and carried me out of there while the Thompson Twins or Simple Minds played and we would have lived happily ever after.  (Until three months later when we would have broken up. Because this was sixth grade after all, and no relationship in sixth grade lasts longer than three months.)

You know, looking back, while I was mortified when they were happening – I’m glad to have had those embarrassing moments that I can look back on and laugh about.  Everyone has fallen on their ass a time or two, and those moments certainly make for entertaining stories at parties. And honestly, if my three-year old taking a piss in the middle of the Coach store is the worst thing that’s happened, then I’m doing pretty darn good.

Here’s to hoping you can embarrass yourself and live to tell us all about it.  I’ll bring the wine.

-Shan

*I need to thank my husband who I left behind in the store to clean up the puddle of pee by himself while I cleaned the kid – that had to have been pretty embarrassing.  You’re a trooper and one hell of a Dad and husband.

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I Think Charlie Brown is Trying Too Hard…

I hope everyone had a great Christmas.  I hope that you ate too much, got everything you wanted, and spent some quality time with loved ones.

Did anyone else enjoy the Christmas movies as much as I did this year?  When I was little, I looked forward to Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown and Mickey’s Christmas Carol all year.  While I’ve admitted that I’m typically pretty Grinchy about the Christmas season, I’ve always had a soft spot for the movies. There’s a ton of great Christmas movies out there, and you know I love a good list, so without further adieu, my favorite Christmas movies of all time!

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Who doesn’t love Rudolph? It’s a classic.  And, you must have a heart of stone if you don’t tear up a little when those misfit toys finally get delivered to new homes by Santa.

6. Elf

Will Ferrell.  As an elf.  Pure awesomeness.

5. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

This one made the list because it’s one of my husband’s favorites, and if it makes him happy, then I’m happy.  I actually never saw this movie in its entirety until after my Senior year of high school.  For our Senior class trip we went to Cancun, and on one of the few English language channels in our hotel room this movie was playing non-stop.  Why National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation was on back-to-back in May, in Mexico, I’ll never know…

4. Home Alone

What’s so fun about this movie was that it was every kids dream come true – to have the full run of the house and do whatever you wanted – and then realize that having your family around is pretty cool, too.  Not to mention he kicks the crud out of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

3. Claymation Christmas & The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (the cartoon, not the lame Jim Carey one)

Not many people remember Claymation Christmas, but it was one that my Mom had taped for us, so we would watch it every year.  I’ve always thought Claymation was/is pretty cool – just the amount of time and effort that goes into creating it is amazing.  Plus it featured the California Raisins singing “Rudolph”.

And, I think everyone knows why I like the Grinch.  I can identify with him.

2. A Christmas Story

To this day I can’t read/write/say the word “Fragile” without my inner monologue popping up to say “Must be Italian”.

1. Charlie Brown Christmas & Mickey’s Christmas Carol

This probably sounds so cheesy, but what I have always loved about the two of these, aside from the great music and characters, is that they both were less about the commercialization of the season and more about the true meaning of Christmas. At the end of the day it’s all about being thankful for what you have, and spending time with those whom you love the most, and who love you right back. (Even when you’re annoying the daylights out of each other.)

But… Charlie should have stopped with the first Christmas special.  The second one, and then the weird New Year’s one were just odd, then there’s the Thanksgiving one…  It’s like he was trying to top himself and we all know that the original is almost always the best.

And… What is the deal with ABC Family editing Mickey to only 30 minutes?  They cut out some of the best parts!  What – they couldn’t fit the full 45 minutes into their packed programming, yet they can show The Santa Clause 3 at least six times?  Ridiculousness…

-Shan

That was the last Christmas post.  Promise.  From here on out I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled programming.

 

 

Merry Christmas to All…

 

It’s the first year that both girls have really been into Christmas and it’s been quite fun to see it through their eyes. We’ve been busy making gingerbread houses, cookies, wrapping presents, visiting family and friends – I’m worn out.  And, I’ve gained at least seven pounds in the last few days, because there have been tamales everywhere which is awesome!!  And snickerdoodles, too.  (Tamales and snickerdoodles = my kryptonite.)

We just finished helping Santa with his gifts for the little munchkins so… to all a good night!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

-Shan

 

PS – I’m glad the world didn’t end.  Because if my girls had missed out on all this Christmas fun, I think I would have been pretty pissed.  And now my reserve end of the world outfit can be my Christmas outfit. Score.

Well… The World Didn’t End.

Anyone else slightly disappointed that the world didn’t end today?  Me too.  I was ready to fight for something (and I had on a cute outfit today, too).   On the plus side, since the world didn’t end, I got to have dinner with my BFF and her awesome family. KHR, you’re the Bee’s Knees.  Hope you know that.  Love you!!!

-Shan

PS – If for some reason the world does end while I’m sleeping, it’s been a good run.  Good luck to all of you…

WILOW – Oh Crap, It’s Wednesday?

Yeah…  So at 11:11pm I realized it’s Wednesday, when I typically do a What I Learned on Wednesday post.  Aside from the fact that apparently I have lost the part of my brain function that tells me what day it is, I did learn one thing.  That even whilst being a female, I have the biggest balls of them all.  Or so says the t-shirt I got for Christmas.

Thanks Harold, for enlightening me.

-Shan

Ode to Spam Mail

Not the “meat” (if you could call Spam meat), the mail… What’s the deal?  What is it about this blog that certain spammers feel the need to repeatedly spam me?  Not that I mind.  In fact, I quite like it.  Many times their comments are so nice:

– “Cool blog!  Thanks for posting!”

– “This is the perfect webpage for anybody who wishes to find out about this topic. You understand so much it’s almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually will need to…HaHa).”

– “You definitely put a fresh spin on a subject that has been discussed for ages. Great stuff, just great!”

Aren’t they just the nicest?  I have yet to delete any of my spam comments (there’s 40 of them).  I call them “keepers”.  So what that they are often misspelled and rife with grammatical errors?  They’re good to read on a bad day and lift my spirits. So thanks, Gratis Sexdate, I appreciate you.

-Shan

PS – Anyone else craving Spam now?  I recently read a blog post about different ways to prepare Spam.  I don’t even cook – but this post made me want to.  I guess I better stock up – what with the impending doom and all…

Decisions, Decisions…

The end of the world, December 21st.

I don’t typically take doomsday predictions seriously, but this one has had me wondering, what is going to happen? “Probably nothing”, my rational mind tells me…but what if?  What if the world implodes/explodes?  What if The Day After Tomorrow happens and we get thrown into some weird climate change?  And the scariest of all – what if December 21st marks the beginning of the zombie apocalypse?

If that weren’t enough, after reading this the other day, I realized – I need to figure out what to wear!  I’ll be on vacation on the 21st so I won’t be at work, which means I have options:

1. Do I want to look fierce?

While looking fierce has the advantage of, well, looking fierce – it’s not the most comfortable of options.  For me, looking fierce usually involves heels and a pencil skirt or dress of some kind.  And ironing.  I hate ironing.  If I’m going to go down in some sort of fiery explosion or get sucked into a giant tornado, as I’m either exploding or being sucked away, hopefully my husband’s last thought will be, “Damn, my wife looked hot.”

But, if I’m going to have to be fighting for the survival of myself and my loved ones, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. For that, I’d need something comfortable, which brings me to…

2. Do I want to go cute but casual?

Logistically speaking, this one seems to make the most sense. In the case that the 21st does mark the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, catastrophic climate change, or it’s all out nuclear war and we’re plunged into some sort of Hunger Games scenario – casual yet functional seems to be the way to go.   However, if it’s going to be the last wardrobe change I’ll have for a while, I’ll need to like it. I’m not sure what the weather will be like (mental note, check weather for the 21st), but I’m thinking layers would be the right thing to wear.  Plus I got a cute sweater today that I’m looking forward to wearing – it would be perfect for the end of the world.

Or…

3. Do I want to go totally comfortable and observe the end of the world while in my pajamas? 

Ideally, on the 21st I’ll be able to just veg with the hubs and my girls, wrap gifts, drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas movies all day.  And nothing is more appropriate for that than pajamas. My JCrew pajamas, (of course), but pajamas none the less.

Come to think of it, this by far sounds like the best option.  But I’ll keep my zombie fighting jacket, cute new sweater and boots handy, just in case…

Ready to face the end of the world in style,

Shan